100K Miles / Living in Silence

100K Miles
My 1998 Nissan Maxima crossed the 100,000 mark on 1/4/2010. For some reason, I thought it would be a big deal and was looking forward to seeing the digital odometer turn from 99,999 miles to 100K miles. I kept thinking of the Married with Children episode, where Al Bundy's car had 999,999 miles on it and was going to reset to 0. Unfortunately, Al fell asleep and missed the moment when it crossed that threshold.

Similarly, when I woke up Monday I had 30 miles before the moment. I usually don't drive much in the city, so I thought I would be conscious if I would be close to passing it. However that morning, one of my good friends went into labor, and I was asked to drive his 2 yr old son to day care. Of course, I was so happy for them that on my drive down to daycare, I completely forgot to check, and when I looked at my car I had 100,027 miles.

Given the circumstances, I started laughing. Here I am at almost 30 years old, and my big moment is watching this piece of shit car get 100,000 miles. Meanwhile, my friend is in the hospital having his second kid. I am not one to compare and in no way am I ready to have kids right now, but on the surface even I had to laugh.

Though I talk alot of shit about my car, I actually do like it alot. The car has dents and is missing some paint, and does not have a fancy leather interior or even a GPS, it has served me well. No major breakdowns and has gotten me from point a to point B. It really is a worry free car.

I guess we are also very similar. For a car that is 12 years old, 100K is really good, especially considering maximas are good for 200K miles usually. Living in SF with the occasional drive to Silicon Valley or drive to LA, one does not rack up the miles on a daily basis as those living in LA. Anyhow, I feel the same way about my life. Though I am turning 30, and look way older than 30, I really do feel young inside. I still have a somewhat immature attitude towards life and try not to take it too seriously. I feel like I am not where a typical 30 year old should be in terms of career/relationship, etc.

While friends are getting married and having kids, I am still thinking about how much I can bench press and still figure out a career. I had always thought by 30, my job/career path would be set. I would be someone that people would know. It is gay but there is a song "Papa Kethe Hain Bara Kaam Karega. Business main apna naam baanaga". Well by 30, I thought I would have made my name by now. However, in two years I have gone from making $350K to $25K in unemployment. Sure I have learned how to be happy with less and more importantly survive with less, but it still remains that there is no way I can support kids and a wife, let alone a girlfriend. The loss in financial freedom really has been good for me- I was headed down a very materialistic and toxic lifestyle and this past year have allowed the time to slowly get off of it.

At first, I became a bit depressed and obsessed with this age. I had all these goals and milestones that I had hoped to achieve, and I am nowhere close to them. Besides being married, and having a tight job, there was a host of material things i wanted to have. As a result, I have been quite afraid of this number. People would ask me what I am doing for my 30th and I would shirk away. If we did not celebrate it, in my head it is possible it does not happen.

In the past month, alot has changed. The meditation camp (see below) really helped to strengthen my moral compass and given me a better view of life. As a result, rather than shirking from this moment in my life, I am facing it head on. One of the ways I am doing this is trying to come up with a list of things/experiences I wanted to do in my life before I turn 30, rather than say focus on what I haven't accomplished in 30 years. Sort of a bucket list of sorts. Here is what I have come up with and I would really appreciate any suggestions. To the extent I can video/photo myself while doing this stuff, I will.

1.) Wax my chest - As many of you have pointed out, I have a hairy chest and hairy shoulders and hairy back (Why cant they transplant this hair to my head is beyond my understanding). Most guys I know just trim off off the hair, but I always wanted to see how painful that scene from 40 yr old virgin actually was. I am not vain or gay. I just think it will a good experiment and make for a great video. My goal is to get the whole chest done and not stop halfway. This is happening tomorrow (Friday). Wish me luck.

2.)Skydiving - I have not done this in 3 years and want to do it again. They say the more you do it, the more peaceful the free fall is. Instead of screaming like crazy, you just are in a zone and observing everything. Anyhow, this is happening this Saturday. If I had true balls, I would go bungee jumping, but I could not find a place near SF, so this will have to do.

3.) Flying a plane - Granted I did this 7 years ago, I had the urge to do this again. This past wknd I took a lesson and flew from Arcadia, to downtown LA near the Hollywood sign and out to Santa Monica over the pier, etc. Cool part was my parents rode in the back and my pop even flew for 15 minutes. Flying is easy, and a pilot's license is something I want to get in the future. The crazy thing was how easy it was for 3 indoes to do this. Granted we don't look like terrorists, I still would have thought it would be much more difficult in this post 9-11 world.

4.) Sharkdiving - I have been obsessed with sharks since I was a kid. And the Farrallon Islands is the best place to see great whites. Unfortunately September is the best time to see that. I still plan on doing that this year, but in the meantime I am going to go whale watching, which I have not done since my 4th grade field trip.

5.) Dolphin Club - This is a club that swims in the Bay. These badasses go even in the winter when the water is 50 degrees without a wetsuit. I just found out that I can't go unless I am a member, so I guess I am going to go to Baker beach and jump in the water and jump out. People are going to think I am nuts.

6.) Swim 500 yards - I used to have to do this event in high school , which I absolutely hated. It is the longest event in a swim meet - 20 lengths or 10 laps. I have forgotten how slow I was, but considering most good swimmers can do a 100 in a minute, I think good times were 5 mins or so. If i can do it in 12 mins or less, I will consider this a success.

7.) Eat a 12 egg omelet - I am obsessed with the show Man vs Food. Eating challenges make life interesting. I love eggs - I usually eat a 3 egg omelet everyday. A 12 egg omelet would be a challenge, but I think I should be able to do this. I'll add toppings and some cheese and add a 15 minute time limit to add another layer of difficulty. Its all in the head. Plus the shit after would be monumental.

8.) Host another PBJ drive - A couple years ago, I hosted a PBJ drive where I got a group of friends together and made sandwiches for the poor. Giving back to the community is always good.

9.) Drinking challenge - I just did the power hour two months ago, but if anyone has a unique challenge (not something stupid like 20 shots of jack, id be game)

10.) Breakdancing - For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be that guy. The guy who can go into the middle of a circle and do a flare, a hurricane, or even C-walk. Its not about getting girls (that works in high school), just something I have always wanted to do. Anyhow, I put an ad on CL for a teacher, and got a response from this pro who has his own breaking crew and has competed internationally. lets see if he can teach this old dog new tricks.

Here is a pic from my latest flight lesson.


Living in Silence

The mind is a beast. It creates monsters out of moles, makes friends seem like enemies and can make a decent life seem very negative and miserable. Those close to me know my issues with anxiety in college. It seems since then I have been able to hide this monster and for the the past 8 years it would only occasionally rear its ugly head. However, when it did appear I lacked the tools to deal. Further the lack of progress in career/girls/life has begun to wear on me. Six years in banking had taken a toll on my zest for life, and my life seemed to being headed down a dark path. I picked up binge drinking, started driving drunk repeatedly (i can admit this now), even started smoking. Of course, I tried to deny it and say it wasn't too bad when my sisters or girls questioned me. I tried to portray an image of the same clean cut boy that came to Berkeley in 1997. In my heart, I knew I had changed. Religion became less important to me - even though I sat down to do puja every morning, it meant less to me. Further, I began to blame others for where I was in life. I did not get this job, because so and so talked shit about me. Or so and so got this job because he kissed ass. In both cases, I never took responsibility.

In any case I wasn't happy. I tried to put a happy face for my friends and used alcohol as an escape. However, except for getting fucked up, nothing much was happening - hence the big break in blog posts.

Anyhow, my friend Reena had recommended I try this Vipassana meditation course, which is a 10 day camp which teaches you how to meditate. To make matters worse, the entire 10 days, you cannot talk or communicate with anyone. Further, there is no activity besides meditating - I can't sit still for 10 minutes and have trouble focusing on one topic. For the past year, I thought this would be torture but as December approached, I thought an escape may be good for me. Just get away from it all. I applied Monday and got accepted Tuesday which is extremely rare. There is normally a one year waiting list for this camp. So when I got in, I called my parents who were somewhat surprised about this and my sisters who were worried that my mind would get more messed up, rather than become more at peace. Also, they did not like that I would be celebrating Christmas in the retreat. After convincing the family, I bounced. It was very liberating to get in a car and drive to Yosemite, where the camp was being held. I did not know what the next 10 days held, but I felt I was finally taking a step to change it all around.

Its hard to relay what the past 11 days were like. Never have I been on a bigger roller coaster in terms of emotion. Some days I felt so happy and things seemed finally at peace. Some days the anxiety monster came out, and all of a sudden it was 100 times bigger and I had to face in silence. I could not call my parents, my friends, etc to help me through it. There was no alcohol or TV to distract me. I could not even workout which always makes me feel better. I had to face it.

You all have seen Batman Begins - it was kinda like that, and truthfully I felt like Bruce Wayne (without the awesome hair and all the wealth). I was looking for happiness and a way to live. The place is in the hills of a Yosemite where they have built this monastery. This meditation is based upon Buddha's teaching and helps you on the road to enlightenment. In a simple version, it teaches you to observe what is happening in the world at that specific instant (not thinking about the past or future) and not reacting to it. Just observing it. So for example, if you have an itch, you can train your mind to say that is an itch, but I don't have to itch it and it will not bother me. You learn to separate your mind from your body. You learn to how to control the mind, and how to live with a calm mind. You learn that the monster's are simply in your head, and not real and learn not to react when they pop up. The less you react, the less you will be bothered by them.

Anyhow, the camp is beautiful. I got lucky and was able to score my own room which really helped my practice. The schedule was rough at first. 4am wake up, breakfast at 6, lunch at 11 and no dinner, lights out at 9. However, over time I got used to it and loved how much weight I had lost in a matter in 10 days. The food is all vegetarian and was very tasty, and the recipes were based on an Ayurveda diet. (Part of this diet was to release internal wind in your body, yes gas. So in the meditation hall people were ripping it like no tomorrow. Also given the fact we had our eyes closed, and are not supposed to react, people felt like they had a permanent hall pass)

My day was literally filled with meditation the entire day. The first day I just sat there and entertained myself with the stories from my blog and old movies, though I was technically only supposed to focus on my breath. I had to do something to pass the time. The other 50% was thinking about girls. Apparently I have a very perverted mine. I thought about all the girls I have hooked up and all the porn I have seen. I am glad I was wearing jeans, because I was constantly popping boners. For the sake of being honest, there are five rules you agree to while at the camp (no smoking, no lying, no killing, no sexual misconduct, no stealing). Given I was having these elaborate intense thoughts for hours each day, I convinced myself beating it was not sexual misconduct. So I did. Twice.

However, about around Day 3 my mind finally got tired of these thoughts and begin to relax and not run around. Like they say in the Last Samurai - "No Mind". It felt like I stopped thinking and just was. I know very extensional. The funny thing is that the thing I was most worried about (no talking for 10 days) really was not an issue. I mean my mind is very active and strong and kept me entertained. I have so many thoughts and memories, I never missed anyone or had the need to talk to anyone. In a way I was talking to myself the entire time. It is also very refreshing to finally focus on yourself. I was not worried about Facebook, or answering my cell, talking to parents, I was totally by myself. Further, not worrying about small talk was also refreshing.

Through this practice, your mind becomes more observant and you begin to realize what causes you to be angry. For example, one person might love Kobe and the other might hate Kobe. Therefore, it is the viewer who places this determination of Kobe's nature. You begin to realize that you are looking at Kobe with tinted glasses and how to take off the tint. Or another example is nerves. We are told that if we experience butterflies, we are nervous. However this is something we have become accustomed to and therefore whenever we feel butterflies we get nervous. But this is a connection we can break - no one says butterflies has to equal nervousness. Butterflies are just butterflies.

In a way, "3 Idiots" has alot of the same teachings. Finding your passion. Get out of the rat race. Find yourself and find your passion. Especially about the part of living in the present. Most of our life we are reliving the past and wishing we could change it, or worrying about the future - both which are fruitless activities. When I began to focus simply on the present, I began to realize how much I was missing out on. In terms of paying attention when people speak, and what my 5 senses were feeling.

Anyhow, overall the camp was awesome. I remember one day it snowed and I felt like a Shaolin monk as I walked through the snowflakes to the meditation hall. Also there were 9 deer that would roam the camp ground, which were amazing to watch. There were some days that were extremely tough as I faced my own monster, but I have finally figured out how to bring him down/or control him. 10 days will not cure me, but I do have the tools and the rest of my life to bring him down.

The last day we can speak which was important in the transition back to the real world. I started to talk to the others which was weird. Literally I could only say a couple sentences before getting tired. However, it was good to see that I was not alone in my struggles. Most everyone had a tough time dealing with their monsters - some greater than others. There were times I literally felt like my head was going to explode, and my mouth was getting pushed into my brain, which as you can imagine is scary as hell. But when I heard it was "normal", I felt much better - go figure.

The transition to the real world was tough. The drive home, I felt so at peace and so pure. My mind was so focused that I could hear the tires on the road. I drove home in silence because the radio was too much for me. Rather than being turned on, I began to observe how much sex there is in our society. Hooter's billboards, etc - there are boobs everywhere, and hot girls promoting stuff just hoping that I would make the connection to sex and look at it longer. But yeah, it was hard for me to have long conversations with my friends. However, I was super focused and was pulling all nighters without feeling tired.

So outside of learning how to meditate what else did I learn?
-I really do have this new view on life, and more specifically how impermanent things are, and how life is ALL about CHANGE. Nothing is forever. One day you are going to up, but one should now that in a year one may be down. The key is to be okay with both.
- Live in the present.
- Misery is caused by wanting something you can't have or having something that you hate. The key again is to have a clear and cool head in both of these situations. There is never a point to panic and think that the world will end if you dont get what you wanted.
-Mostly, I learned the importance of living a good life. If I live an immoral life, I can't expect to have good things happen to me or to go to heaven, just because I am a Hindu. What goes around comes around.
- There is alot of outside stimulus (other peoples thoughts, sex, music, blogs, phone calls) in the world. The more I let in the harder it is for me to be in tune with myself.
- Nothing irks me more than pissing in a bowl of someone elses piss. I understand being green and saving water, but for some reason that bothered me like crazy. I am okay with pissing in a bowl of my old piss, but someone's else? Forgetaboutit.

I highly recommend this course to all you guys and happy to talk in person about it. They say its not going to change you right away. But out of 10 times that you would get stressed/angry, one of those times you control and don't - it is a huge victory.